tink is preggers

2009-08-26T20:03:00.002-05:00

So why do I always feel like I have made the worst wrong decision of my life and then I top it off with yet another. I have all these mixed feelings about having this baby. I know she is a beautiful gift, but there are times I think things would have been better the other way. How could I have screwed up so badly? I'm fucking 31, I know how to take the pill. How could I have been so careless? Now, with 6 weeks left there is no turning back. I'm fucking terrified, I know I am not ready to be a mother.

And living with matt again. And I regret it everyday. What have I done? I just think sometimes that I'd be better off without him. All the time I am miserable. He acts like such a child and I don't think I can be a mother to 2 children. Sometimes I think accepting his proposal was the worst idea ever. But what else can you do when someone is on their knee with the world watching? I just want to walk away and never look back. Go back to my mom's and finish school and take care of this little girl. Help, I'm so confused.

2009-07-21T22:01:00.002-05:00

so only 10 days away, and i finally found somewhere to live. it's a cute little house with 3 bedrooms in total suburbia. cookie cutter house in a cookie cutter subdivision. it is a ranch though, and that's a plus for the baby. i'm afraid to carry her up the stairs... it will be nice to finally get everything in order.

i have another shower this weekend. i hope i get a lot of stuff. i'm so stressed out about all the things that we still need. this shit is so expensive. babies are expensive. we will make it. there is no other choice.

it is really nice to feel her move all of the time. it's a really cool feeling. it's nice to know that everything is ok. the movement says so. even though the dr. has been telling me so for months. just a little while to go. whoo hoo.

2009-07-07T22:47:00.004-05:00

so these are some of the highlights from our "babymoon." we went away to seaside beach, fl for a week. it was so great. we arrived on a sunday after 6 hours of excrutiating driving. we went to the beach on monday, georgeous weather. in the afternoon, after lunch, we walked back to the beach. matt took off towards the water and i played around with the tunes. when i lloked back matt was walking my way and he had a handful of sand. well, if you know matt, he's always joking around...he comes back and he wants to give the sand to me. i said absolutely not, no hermit crabs form me. but he insists, and i stand and take his handful of sand into mine...

and there i find a beautiful ring...and i'm expecting him to tell me that he has just found it on the beach..all the while it never occurs to me that he has bought this ring for me. he gets down on one knee and asks me to marry him. i burst into tears and i could hardly breathe. i couldn't say a word. he stands up and grabs my hands and asks if i'm gonna say yes. i scream yes! and catch my breath and run down to the water to wash off my ring. it was so beautiful. what i have always wished for. i couldn't believe that it had really happened.

we had a great week. the weather was beautiful, no a single raindrop all week. and i even looked cute in my preggers swimsuit. i couldn't have asked for a better proposal or babymoon. now let's get this final home streatch underway. 28 weeks and counting. i can't wait to see my little angel.

2009-06-16T22:23:00.003-05:00

so this is my second to last ultrasound, where we found out our little angel was going to be a baby girl. this is a profile shot of her face. i can wait to meet little kennedy sloan. i am up to 130 pounds, the biggest i have ever been. i have bigger boobs than ever...its kinda fun to have boobs for the first time in my life. but i got an ass to go with it and a big ass belly too.

2009-04-03T22:45:00.002-05:00

i have been so sick this entire week. i haven't been to work since mon. sneezing, coughing, itchy-watery eyes. sore throat. aches and pains everywhere. i have never experienced allergies and their rath quite like this before. i'm a georgia girl. we are bred to live in this yellow filled spring world. but apparently when you have a bambino growing inside of you, everything changes. you change in ways that you never expected.

so this week i took a trip to the dr. (a new one) to investigate. and she was a moron. she gave me a strep test, negative. with no other diagnosis. sent with to the pharmacy to get a z pack and some other unknown stuff. despite the fact i told her no less than 4 times that i was 13 weeks pregnant she prescribed some cough medicine with codeine, which apparently is a no-no for baby. and did she caution me? of course not. thank goodness for the good ladies of rite-aid who thought to ask if i was preggers.

thank god for the $7/hr worker who clearly knew better than my overpaid, stupid dr. needless to say i won't be returning to her.

2009-03-26T21:32:00.001-05:00

so the last post was weeks ago, on another blog i started and my preggers ass cannot remember what email address i used to start it. nice huh?

so this is the replacement. i hope you enjoy.

so i went to the dr. twice. once to pretend that i didn't know i was pregnant so my new insurance would cover the pregnancy. and then we had the first ob visit. where we got these gems!!! and tomorrow i have my first "real" ultrasound to get my official due date. sorry d...i don't think i will make it to chi-town for the 20 something bloggers meet up. i think this gets me off of the hook.

2009-03-26T21:29:00.000-05:00

well i have been dizzy and tired for a minute now. and i'm hungry all the fucking time. and i'm gaining a lot of weight fast, after trying for so many months too gain it back, since i lost 20 of my 115 lbs. and i want waffles and sausage from waffle house at 12 am. something is up. test number one, faint blue in the result window...test 2, faint pink in the result window...

4 days later...

test 3, pinker in the result window.

7 days later...

test 4...

same as all the others times.

problems:

1.my health insurance does not cover maternity so i have to switch, and the earliest the coverage will start will be march 1st, 2. i'm not married, nor am i necessarily trying to be. i want m to ask me to marry him when he is ready, not just because i got pregnant. 3. i'm so poor, a struggling student, server at a restaurant, and part time pet care business owner.

the answer:

tink is having a baby! i know. it's crazy. it's something that i have always wanted out of life. but of course i expected this come at the ideal time in my life. but as usual, life happens. and we don't always get what we expect. this time the choice is clear. i cannot have an abortion, adoption is not an option, and we will all be okay in the end. this baby will have 2 parents that love he or she more than anything. and we will do the very best we can to make sure that they will grow up happy and healthy. m has promised to be there every step of the way. thank god.